kethrai's Diaryland Diary

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And more about the tour guide thang.

Okay, as you know by now, dear NSR, I work for a little outfit giving ghost story tours. Usually I have packs of kidlets, parents, old folks... the dads laugh at my mild dirty jokes and some of the moms and grandmoms are history buffs and the kids are squicked out by the fake hand I carry in my bag and usually everyone has a good time.

Last night, I got someone who desperately wanted me to be a Satanist.

I admit it, I adore cheesy ghost story shows on TV, and watch just about every ghostie movie I can get my hands on. I love books that incorporate the supernatural and ghosts. Fercryinoutloud, I'm a sci-fi and fantasy buff. And while I have the usual schizo split, of being a huge skeptic and still throwing salt over my shoulder when I spill it...I do not swallow the entire Time-Life lexicon without a healthy leavening of common sense.

I'm a guide, okay? I'm a storyteller. My job is to tell the stories on the tour and herd the tourists around the quarter mile that we walk around in town. I am a Vessel, folks. I ain't the vintage.

So, Dude and his lady want to know right off if the stories are "real" and do I believe them. Well, yes, they are real--we research our stories extensively. Do I believe them? My stock storyteller's answer is yes, I certainly do--while I'm telling them. To do less is to betray the story.

We got through the tour, and then he kept me another 30 minutes (such fun in a long black robe...in 80 degree heat) asking me about Salem and Nostradamus and Aleister Crowley. The tone of his questions led me to believe that he got most of his information straight off of Fox specials. And can't read. But I digress.

To sum up:

No, I am not from Salem, Massachusetts. I have been there, and it is a nice little touristy town. It's very cute. No, 18 of the witches were hung there and one was crushed to death. No one was burned. You are thinking of the inquisition.

No, I am not a witch. Not in any sense of the word. I do not practice Wicca, although I have the greatest respect for practictioners. Wicca, by the way, is a religious system like any other--Buddhism, Christianity, Shinto, and so on. It has very little to do with broomsticks and black cats. Nor am I a witch of the type that you are thinking of, Doof-boy--I do not cast spells or curses or fly or anything else. If I could, I'd be cursing your ass straight back to East Podunk where you undoubtedly come from, and making sure that you never have access to cable tv ever again.

No, they did not dig up Nostradamus and find a plaque around his neck with the date that he was dug up on it. Great galloping urban legends, boy, where the HELL do you get your information? Nostradamus made over 9,000 predictions in his lifetime. The wonder would be if some of them DIDN'T come true. No, he did not predict September 11, you git, and how dare you suggest that. It's so offensive to the families of the folks who died and the people who died. What an ass. To actually suggest that it could've, would've, should've been prevented. Monday-morning quarterbacking about the deaths of nearly 4000 people is ASININE.

No, I am not a Satanist. Having read LeVey's Satanist Bible, which largely seems to consist of going "nyah, nyah Catholic Church", I am also not particularly impressed by Satanism. I think religions should be based on affirmations, not negations, but that's my personal opinon. My beliefs are personal, too, dumbass.

Yes, my great-grandmother had the second sight. No, I do not.

No, I am not going to develop it later in life. I AM fucking later in life, and it hasn't happened yet, despite the look on your smarmy little face that is begging me to have a vision for you. If I were able to have genuine visions, don't you think I'd be charging you one hell of a lot more?

When you ask me to tell you the "real stories", what the fuck do you mean? I know you want to see me whizz something around like "Charmed"--but get a grip, boyo, that is FICTION.

Yes, I have seen black magic rebound on folks. Any magic that seeks to compel the actions of others is black. And yes, the person who practiced it is stark fucking raving insane. I believe in karmic payback, and ill-wishing gets you what it gets you.

Yes, I believe in ghosts. I lived with one for ten years, his name was Stephen, and he was very nice. No, I will not tell you about him, because that's invading his privacy.

I tell these stories because they ring true to my ear, because I enjoy them, and because I get paid to do so. That does not give you the right to pry into my personal life, history, and beliefs, nor those of my family or friends.

And Dude? A $1 tip is not enough to keep me on my feet for 30 minutes after the tour. Fuck you and the cheapass Night Mare you rode in on.